Beginning to Battle

So I've just finished up my last high school play. Which is the end of high school for me, more or less. The drama department was more my family than anything but my family. Besides that, even in Conservative Christian County, our drama departments have the highest concentration of the Gay. I can count at least two being in the department at the same time, as well as at least four open supporters of equality.

But of course, even in the fabled gay sanctuary of the Theatre, there are the ignorant. Take for example, my friend and protege of sorts, Ian. Ian and I more or less shared lead positions in the play, and so we were often alone in the locker room (no green room for us) changing from one tuxedo to another for our next scene in two minutes.

Now, n high school, among hormonal, insecure boys, it is common to assert heterosexuality and masculinity by farcically acting gay to prove how comfortably straight you are. Combine that with my actual homosexuality and thus interest in the topic, and queer conversations make up a great part of my speech.

I don't know how we got on the topic this time (perhaps I was discussing my future marriage to Chris Colfer with whom, though I am not openly gay and a surprising number of people seem to have no idea that I am, I am openly in love), but we got there, and he made some sort of casual, spiteless-but-ignorantly-homophobic comment, to which I replied that I could biblically defend homosexuality. His exact reply was "I would be interested in hearing that."

We talked, and I hit all my major points, and his boiled down to "Gay sex is gross" (response: "Sex is gross") and "Gays have no religion", which I conceded is not entirely baseless (though I pointed how the Church drove us away for years. It would be much easier to lose my faith if I felt I had to give up the love our culture so tells me I need).

I didn't win. I didn't change his mind. But I've planted a seed. He's open for continued talks. I've invited a friend of mine who is LGBTQ-supportive (though I believe she yet believes gay acts to be sin) to join us. I hope we do continue to talk.

At the end, though, I asked him if he'd attend my wedding with Chris Colfer.

He said yes. He'd be 'very uncomfortable' and it would be 'weird'. But that's miles from the fire and brimstone some would hurl. It shows some level of tolerance. In Conservative Christian County, this is progress. It's a sign of accepting times.

It's a sign of hope.

Coming Out Countdown

Remember when I said, "My plan is to let my parents know [I'm gay] sometime after I no longer depend upon them at all financially and sometime before I get engaged. Which will be a while."? (source) I've almost entered that window.

I thought I had time. I'm not even out of high school yet, and I've never held down a job. Surely with a mountain of debt coming my way, I could blissfully skip along rainbows for years amongst friends, and simply resume the washed out grayscale life of closet life when home. But thanks to a scholarship, I don't have a penny of debt coming towards me, while my college fund (now unneeded) remains.

Within four months, I'll have money to my name and no demands upon it. I'll have passed the financially independent threshold.

The countdown will begin.

What's worse is that I have no idea how long I'll have. I might be well into grad school before I meet anyone worth marrying. But maybe not. Remember Travis? My freshman year role model who turned out to be as gay as the day is long? This very month, he ended up engaged. Academically, he's only three years ahead of me. Age-wise, he's hardly more than two ahead.

I'm willing to marry young if I meet the right person. I could be where he is soon enough. A month ago, I felt like I still had forever. Now, I'm mentally making notes on my coming out email. Or series of emails. Or whatever I do.

Almost as if to make it worse (in a way I do not begrudge in the least), my bestie is in the throes of infatuation. And we talk about him, and it's fun, but as I side effect, I'm falling in love with love. Which means I've thought more about my wedding in the past few weeks than in the preceding eighteen years.

Which means I wonder if my parents will be there.

I'v heard wonderful, heartwarming stories. But I've heard the bad ones too. There's a reason that there have been so very many gay suicides. Thankfully, I know I could lose my family and live.

But I'd rather keep them.

I Don't Get People

It boggles me the way people think. People have the strangest thoughts, and while I'm sure I have ways of thinking many don't understand, some things leave me dumbfounded.

The best example would be many of my peers' opinions on homosexuality and how the law should deal with it. I understand perfectly that they consider it a sin, and that is a perfectly valid stance. But they also hold the doctrine that, in the eyes of God, all sins are equal. Now these people clearly have their own sins, which they themselves would classify as sins: damaging drug/alcohol use, premarital sex, pride, theft, even gossip.

Yet they hold homosexuality as a sin above sins. They staunchly oppose gay marriage (and therefore oppose encouraging committed monogamy against 2-10% of the population). I'm certain they would never advocate similar prohibition against anything in their list of problems, though.

Yet which is more destructive? Gay marriage shows economic boosts, often takes children from foster care, and produces mentally sound offspring. Gossip destroys relationships, theft harms the economy, pride leads to harmful selfishness, premarital sex can spread STDs, and drugs and alcohol can destroy people entirely.

The government's job isn't to lay down holy law, as interpreted by conservative Christians. Its job is to protect and help its people. Gay marriage protects people by normalizing gay relationships and preventing the bullying that makes it commonplace to read about gay suicides. Gay marriage helps people by boosting the economy and giving children parents. There is no reason beyond religion to oppose gay marriage.

As an aside, I'd like to defend homosecuality from a religious standpoint. Matthew 7:17-18 says Even so, every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. From where I stand, gay marriage and loving gay relationships bring forth good fruit.

I'm more inclined to believe Jesus than five or six scattered passages that can be interpreted multiple ways, you know?

Just a Nature v Nurture Musing

So I have only had one person in my life who ever was anything like a role model. Let's call him Travis. Now, Travis was a senior when I started high school. He was in drama. He was in forensics. He had a distinct style of dress.

He was fabulous.

He became a role model for me because he did everything I liked and he did them well. Years later, I used facebook to invade his privacy and I discovered he was dating. But Travis wasn't just dating any old person, no. He was dating a guy/boy/man/dude/male/not-girl.

That cool senior I looked up to as a sexually-confused freshman turned out to be gay (well, maybe bi, but in this environment, you would be very unlikely to ever act on any urge towards the same sex if you could find another way) was somehow poetic.

Here's the thing, though. I liked him chiefly because of his aptitude and love for the theatre, which I share. I also liked him for his fabulous fashion choices (I'm no fashionista, but I can appreciate). However, I liked him because we shared interests, and apparently we share a sexuality.

Now let's go to another theatre. Broadway. I couldn't find any statistics, but I think you'll agree that a lot of men in the theatre are gay, no? And musical theatre is stereotypically a gay passion, which has some basis in truth, no?

So, if all of these gay men have similar interests, does it not follow that homosexuality is somewhat genetic (which I know has been repeatedly shown, but some people refuse to see)? Aptitudes and interests are based in the genetic code, though of course they change based on how they are fostered. It seems to me, though, that if many gays love theatre, then some gay genes are also theatre genes (though, of course, not all theatre genes are gay, sad as that is).

So, yes, I did just make an entire post to present my speculation into what is more or less proven.

Being Gay and Loving God

I was away all this past week, nearly, and thus I'm not only a bit delayed ;osting this (still Monday!), but I have nothing written. Thank the Lord I have this essay to share with you. Now, don't be afraid of it; it is an essay and it is lengthy, but it is one of the few coherent, intelligent arguments that support homosexuality in a Christian context. Just give it a look. If you're Chrisitan, it may give you what you need, and if you aren't, you can still use it to debate homosexuality with the terms being used against you.

http://www.gaychristian.net/justins_view.php#5

Again, sorry about not writing. I'll do something for Wednesday. I can't safely write in secret for Wednesday (no worries) so it might be a while. Surely by Monday, though.

When You Love the Wrong Person

While I had romantic notions ever since realizing my sexuality halfway through eighth grade (and probably further back but never noticed), my first real crush started my first day of high school. I was an advanced freshman, and so I ended up in Algebra II with the sophomores and juniors. After my initial terror, it soon became apparent that no one was going to pay me any mind, so I was free to watch them. While the teacher was droning on about the syllabus, I looked around me. 

My world stopped when I saw him. He had beautiful brown eyes and dark brown hair that swept gently over them. His nose was just, slightly upturned which, coupled with his beautiful grin, gave him the cutest mischievous look imaginable. His skin was the color of caramel, darkened by what I later learned was his native american heritage. His laugh was practically musical.

Of course, that laugh was only being brought on by notes from his girlfriend. Because he was straight. Because they're always straight. 

I pined for months, trying to never stare, and always trying to see him more. I was hopelessly in love, and I didn't know his name for weeks. And in the end, I finally stopped feeling those feelings that wouldn't get me anywhere (and then I fell for another straight boy). 

I made it so much worse for myself than I needed to. Yes, I ended up, through no fault of anyone's, liking the wrong person, and so was guaranteed a special hell until the love left (which it never does fully, it seems). But the thing is, I obsessed over it. Sure, I thought about him when we were in the same room or (joy of joys!) speaking, but did I have to lie awake thinking about him, constructing elaborate scenarios that would lead to him coming out to me (girlfriend or not)? 

I let it grow even worse. Liking the wrong person is hell, but it's stupid to make it worse by your own hand. I couldn't change that I saw him and heard him, but I shouldn't have nurtured every errant thought about him that drifted into my head. It couldn't be, and no excuse on my part could make that better. 

It's a hell, but all you can do is live it and wait for it to die. 

It will.

The Bright Side of the Rainbow (Mid-Week Mini Post!)

Being gay is hard. It is an awfully, dreadfully, terrifyingly hard thing. I've read of even atheists trying to pray the gay away, because who wants to live in the ire of so many people? It isn't always rainbows and unicorns.

But sometimes it is.

One of the best things, I think, about being gay is the music. And, no, I don't mean Born This Way, necessarily, nor that ever-popular classic Dancing Queen, nor my new favorite Andrew in Drag (which also supports last weeks post). I mean every single popular song since the dawn of time can be read (heard?) as gay. 

Y'see, if being gay is so scary, so lonely, it follows that any song about/addressed to any angsty teenager applies perfectly to the rainbow demographic. Firework is a recent addition to the list of gay anthems on Wikipedia (I love that site). It works, because of course we've all felt 'like a plastic bag drifting through the wind'.  Everyone has, but being gay (or bi or trans or whatever you happen to be) gives us all something we can always be deliciously sad about to be able to be reminded that we are a firework. 

I realize that my example, being on the gay anthem list, isn't the best, so  let's look at something else. From pop to punk, we go to 21 Guns. Any GLBTWhatever person knows exactly what is 'worth fighting for but not worth dying for'. Or maybe it is worth dying for. Your choice. However, it exactly catches what we all feel sometimes.

Of course, with American Idiot now on Broadway, Green Day is now an officially gay band, right? Let's try again with the World Cup Anthem, Waka Waka (the real version, not the English). It's really a battle song, right? But it, like everything, matches our problems. Being reminded that we need to start from zero to touch the sky gives a ring of hope to us all. What if we lose something because of whom we love? We'll start from there and touch that cielo, no?

Of course, South Africa is the most gay-friendly African state, so maybe its world cup's song shouldn't count. So, continuing in the theme of the odd (as far as the American readers are concerned), what about the winner of the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest, Running Scared? This poorly lip-synched song from Azerbaijan juxtaposes love and fear. Isn't that the heart of all gay angst (gayngst, maybe)? Even in East Europe, the music is pretty darn gay.

So even though life is hard, even with all the pointless fighting, there's always something that will apply directly to you on the radio, even in Azerbaijan.

Oh, and this.